Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Opening Day

I had this experience on the bus a few months ago, and wrote about it on the WELL and e-mail. One person suggested I start a blog. I don't need all that much encouragement. So here's my true story from 9/29/05 to kick off my first blog:

Today on the 1 California:
I'm sitting next to the window and a large man, probably 50's with a grey pompadour and southern European descent sits next to me. He's got the kind of build that makes you think he may well have been Fabio-stunning a couple decades ago. And he's wearing what appears to be a weight lifter's uniform, complete with kneepads, Olympics-style. Dialogue, starting with him:

- May I sit here?
+ Sure. Are you going wrestling somewhere?
- No. Kickboxing.
+ Kickboxing? (Clearly too massive for kickboxing.)
- Yes. I fight people from all over the world. All over the galaxy. I have a license to kill.
+ Really?
- Yes. Humans are not good fighters. But Martians are.
+ Where are you from?
- I am from all over... Italy, France, United States. I am God. I’m from everywhere. I came here in 1947 and some people thought I was Jesus Christ. But I'm not; I'm God.
+ Well what are you doing here?
- I am fighting creatures from all over the galaxies. I am also bringing sunshine because sunshine helps clean up all the pollution. If I did not bring the sunshine, the pollution would kill everyone.
+ I suppose that's not very productive if you're God.
- Yes. I have responsibilities all over the galaxies.
+ Have you met Frank Chu?
- Who?
+ Frank Chu. He carries signs showing that he too knows about the galaxies. Maybe you should compare notes with him.
- Is he a big shot?
+ He knows about the galaxies, that's all I'm saying.
- Does he have bodyguards? I have hundreds, thousands of bodyguards, all beautiful women. Of all races and colors. I used to have more white women, but they got eaten by martians.
+ I don't know about the bodyguards, but he's not dead. That oughtta count for something.
- He can't be a big shot if he doesn't have lots of money.
+ What difference does money make to one who hops the galaxies? I gotta think that doesn't matter all that much in the grand scheme of things.
- I only talk to big shots. You should see the beaches on places like Venus and Jupiter. They're just like the south of France.
+ Venus I can see, but Jupiter's pretty cold. At least it was the last time I was there.
- When I go to Jupiter I look at the sun and bring more sunshine.
+ Say, why does God need to take MUNI?
- Do you know how many flying saucers there are out there, waiting to shoot me down with laser beams?
+ Ah, so you're on MUNI to protect yourself from being seen and targeted.
- There are a lot of flying saucers out there.
+ Are you saying that God can be killed by a laser beam?
- (Gets up for his stop, mumbles something nonsensical about the dangers of laser beams.)
+ Watch out for the laser beams!

4 comments:

purple said...

This is the funniest damn thing I've heard in a long time. My theory has been that the world is on a general slant and everything and everyone that's a little loose eventually rolls to California. That dude is Exhibit A

ivan said...

this is funny (especially the part where you get on the bus), but i had already seen it somewhere, so that makes it only retrospectively funny, which is inherently slightly less funny than things that are contemporarily funny...but funny nonetheless.

achiappanza said...

Ivan, stay tuned for the new stuff. Don't forget what makes great first albums great... the tunes the band has loved for years.

achiappanza said...

A Follow Up concerning MUNI and Frank Chu...

Today in San Francisco I was let off day 1 of jury duty around 3:30.
I went over to the bus stop at 6th and Harrison wondering when the 14X
started up. It wasn't until 4:00, and as soon as I realized that a 27
pulled up and said "27 to Cesar Chavez." "Shoot, that's close enough"
I thought and got on.

It always makes me feel more connected to the City to take a new
public transportation route. Interesting, colorful ride. Then at CC
and Mission I switched to a packed 49, another line I never ride. The
bus was so full that the driver didn't know he was closing the door
before an elderly lady could make it off, so I got him to re-open it.

From there on, I called out to him about people still trying to get
off, since he really couldn't tell. "Wandering guitar player, coming
off!" And then behind him, another familiar face pushing through the
crowd. "Frank Chu, coming off. How's it going, Frank?"